After a while, you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh.

This is My Life.

BOY. GIRL. TEXTING. RESPONDING. PLANNING. (read: effort, giving a fuck, trying, etc.)

Yeah. Just never the right  ones.

LOST

I've abandoned this blog because I seriously just have felt entirely fucking lost these past few months.

One last big hurdle I have to get over and then maybe, just MAAAAYBE my life will get back to (what resembles something close to) normal.

Until then, I hope to FIND myself again.

Deja-vu

After about a month of vehemently sticking to my guns about not signing up for another stupid online dating site, I caved in and hesitantly punched the digits of my credit card number into my iPhone’s touchscreen.

“Subscribe.” Fuck.

Since my very two-dimensional and pathetic experience with Mr. Texas, (I’m really, REALLY trying to sound more grounded, less bitter and more introspective) I could say that I’ve learned a few things when it comes to online dating:

1. Zero investment prior to the actual date. By “zero investment,” I mean NO expectations, NO excitement and NO whatever other inexplicable fucking feeling.
2. “Talking” to as many guys as possible. Focusing on just ONE guy instead of e-frolicking around with many potential suitors is a no-no. Just no-FUCKING-no.
3. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Sketchiness and shadiness paint the perfect picture of this online dating business. He could disappear and completely just vanish in thin air at any given moment in time, without a single explanation or reason, defying all laws of physics and nature and logic. Oh well.

I’m 3 days in and I can’t seem to understand how I am having a fucking deja-fucking-vu. I swear.

I’m filtering away through the masses of losers and douchebags, creepsters and just awkward-looking and sounding dudes. I mean, it’s just a MESS. Some are hot, but their profiles are super lame; some have some kick-ass profiles, but what they’re working with in the looks department just isn’t doing it for me. And the rare few that SEEM to (dear Lord, may I dare say it?) HAVE IT ALL (gasp) give off a very conceited and “my-shit-don’t-stink” vibe, which I really don’t have time for and overall, I am too proud sometimes to be the first one to initiate contact.

So, as motherfucking always, something’s gotta give. (WHY? WHY THE FUCK DOES IT HAVE TO GIVE?!)

Anyways, after what seemed to be a witty and sarcastic email exchange in the beginning with a decent-looking dude from a neighboring town (that ended abruptly due to his inability to understand my humor and sarcastic personality – really, I totally need a sarcasm font – he sounded like a total tool, whose exact words were, “I’m looking for someone with a sense of humor, who can dish it out and take it as well. I think you take things a little too seriously.”

Uhh, his moronic ways clearly failed him miserably, and I don’t have the time and patience to explain e-misunderstandings. Also, if I have to EXPLAIN myself to you, I don’t care if it’s really a misunderstanding or whatever, it’s a deal breaker for me because it SCREAMS inability to interpret witty, sarcastic banter. He later blamed them on the fact that “messages and IM’s suck.” No, buddy. I think YOU suck – the longest parenthesis ever, but whatever) my superb e-navigational skills led me to a 30-year-old, 6’1 (swoooooooooon) hunk with a simple, but funny as hell profile.

Seriously, those are the ones that get me. Just be FUCKING HONEST. Be REAL. Admit that you have flaws. Don’t sit there and type all these motherfucking great qualities about yourself. I am seriously not impressed to read ANY of that shit. It makes me want to laugh and puke and then laugh and puke some more because virtually ALL men have the same exact things to say. Stand the fuck out. Seriously.

I know that there is only so much that you can pick up from a profile; after all, it’s still composed of just words on a screen. No matter how hard one tries to interpret them, the profiles, much like the people writing them, remain two-dimensional.

So, back to the 6’1, 30-year-old hunk. I will call him The Pitbull, due to the simple fact that he is ¼ Cuban, and since I am absolutely in love with the singer, I found it highly appropriate and slightly annoyingly cute.

In my own, typical impetuous, slightly crude way, I didn’t hesitate sending him a short message – half making fun of, half complimenting his profile. He responded a few hours later, not only beautifully reciprocating my snazzy and sarcastic comment, but also “giving me a present” – DIGIIIIITS, bitches. He did it in such a sly way though, that in no way did it come across as creepy or overwhelming.

Deja-vu with this guy all over again. He’s funny and witty and gets my humor and I feel him reeling me in, but it just won’t happen.

Won’t.fucking.happen.

More later. My brain hurts.

The Mind of a (Sick and Desperate) Married Man

I've done a beautiful job at neglecting my blog. I could sit here and try to justify it – “I've been so busy with work,” or “I’ve been taking summer classes,” or “I've been volunteering all my free hours at the homeless shelter,” or at least, “I've been too busy screwing my boyfriend’s brains out,” etc.

The truth is that I’ve been doing NONE of the above. Work is meh, no classes of any kind (yet), I’ve been totally inactive in my community (although I signed up to volunteer as a “court appointed special advocate” for abused and neglected kids – sounds so fancy, but I’m probably going to hell for not taking up a case yet), and I most certainly have NOT been busy screwing anyone’s brains out. (not TOO busy, that is, but ahem—whatever, whatever.)

Perhaps the lack of the latter action has made me slightly bitchier this past month than my normal bitchy self. Perhaps not. One definite reason in particular has been dealing with RIDICULOUS individuals via text messaging.

No, I’m not talking about anyone I “met” online. (Yes, I’m done with online dating.)

No, I’m not talking about Mr. Texas. (The sick thing is a teeny, tiny part of me almost wishes I were…*vomit*)

This is a story about a man. (Surprise, surprise.)

A *gasp* MARRIED man. I will call him “Desperate Married Man.” (DMM)

DMM and I met in college. He was funny and goofy. Short, with glasses, he was nothing to write home about. Not my type at all—you get the gist. He’d be hardly a C-/D+ in my book. “Funny” and “goofy” are really the ONLY two BEST, most accurate adjectives I can use to describe him. There was never any sort of chemistry between us (on my part) and when I’d see him in school (thumbs down for going to a commuter college) I’d give him a high five and a “what up!” That was preeeeetty much the extent of the friendship (on my part), and at times, we’d just talk and bullshit about nothingness in between classes, with people we both knew, etc.

Oddly enough, his funniness and goofiness and all the high fives and the “what up’s” made me take a trip one weekend ‘round DMM’s neck of the woods. No big deal—we were just gonna hang out and go to the movies. We did just that, but somehow, someway, we swapped some spit. (OK, so I wasn’t totally into him, but I was a bit of a kissing whore, shut up.) No big deal—nothing else happened. I went home and about my (cool, important, fabulous) business.

This was circa 2006-2007. (But I’m pretty sure it was 2006ish.)

So yes, we now fast-forward 5-6 years. YEARS.

I have had the same phone number since my very first cell phone, so I’ve managed to keep in contact with quite a few people. DMM and I never really exchanged many text messages before. Facebook also wasn’t grounds for a lot of contacting. So once graduated, naturally, we lost contact.

He messaged me a few times, just making small talk, asking how I was doing and where was I working and such. No big deal.

In the meantime, (name) became a MM (married man). Very nice, thanks Facebook, for letting me know.

Recently, he got into contact yet again. NO BIG DEAL.

I’m not entirely sure at which point MM (Married Man) became DMM (Desperate Married Man).

But he just did. Also creepy and annoying as shit.

OH, like at this point:

It’s been YEARS. Like, seriously? I cannot even believe this type of shit. AND he’s LYING about it. I want to laugh, but I seriously just want to punch him in the face.

So at this point, I’m trying hard to put an end to this back-and-forth texting nonsense, but it just continues:

I clearly just don’t find this shit appealing in the slightest. Fuck off.

(Side note: As I progress with the post and with the fabulous posting of my beloved iPhone text messages, I need to really stress the fact that this has just been a really annoying experience, overall. There is no secret ego-boost behind this or any sort of “subconscious”-I-hate-to-admit-that-I-really-do-sort-of-like-you, sexual tension, chemistry attraction of ANY KIND, whatsoever. None. This is your typical Bitch-on-Wheels rant to the universe and its unfair ways about how you’re always going to be chased by the one who you DO NOT WANT. *flips off Universe*)

The creepiness continues.

He said some dumb shit after, but I just ignored him.

I’m failing to mention the fact that he also loves BJs and his sweet, little wife just sucks at, well… sucking, apparently, and that he’s been trying to “teach” her how to not use her teeth for quite some time now. WOW. Just wow.

This is where I decided he needs to be completely ignored/have his number blocked.

(I have cut the message and snapped the pic of it quite appropriately, providing just enough information for you to understand where he was coming from with it…)

(I must have hit “Copy” by mistake as I was taking the pic; I think it was the universe’s way of telling me to never respond to a single text from this guy again.)

I have no words to describe what I was thinking. I just felt overall disrespected, disgusted, freaked out, insulted, and annoyed. His reaction?

DMM: “Why? Lol I think it should be a compliment.”

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? Who talks like that?! I mean, if you have leverage and have been building some sort of rapport with, let’s say, a FwB or something, SURE – fire away.

But a MARRIED man, a sexually-frustrated, pathetic, desperate married man, who, 1) tells me he thinks of cheating all the time; 2) asks me to hang out; 3) asks me for dirty pictures; 4) reminisces of NON-existent, more-than-kissing, OVER-6-YEARS-AGO-ONE-TIME-DEAL sexual encounters with me; and finally, 5) wonders/asks how my vagina looks like.

I say FUCK YOU, get a life! Go get your dick sucked properly, go get laid already and stop being a fucking creep, blowing up my beautiful white iPhone4! It bleeds creepy, pervy DMM text messages!

VOOOOMIIIIIT.

D E S P A R A T E

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Still. . . Fucking D E S P E R A T E!

Again—Universe, I just don’t like you very much right now.

The End.

Girls' Girl vs. Guys' Girl

I’m gonna be honest. I am a girly-girl. I love shoes and I love purses. My recently purchased iPhone’s hard case is, in fact, hot pink (but that’s only because they didn’t have the white-and-gray one I wanted!). I often indulge in mani/pedi’s. I love puppies and well, dogs in general. Cute, small, furry dogs. I love them so much that if you ever walk down the street with me and we happen to walk passed a puppy/cute, small, furry dog, I will squeal with excitement in the most inappropriate and unorthodox way.

I could probably beat and squish my brain for some more examples to show just how girly I really possibly am. But that would defeat the real purpose of this post. Outwardly, I resemble your typical often done up, somewhat materialistic looking, dangling-earring-wearing, bug-eye-sunglasses-sporting, bitch-on-wheels fashionista.

However, on the inside, I identify with the term “princess” about as much as Mother Theresa identified with the term “penis enlarger.”

Being the second (and last) born in the family (I have an older sister), my mother once told me that she, in fact, really did wish for me to be a boy (thanks, mom). Much to her surprise and probably disappointment, she got another (premature, teeny-tiny) girl. I really think that’s how it all got started.

Growing up, I didn’t really care for dolls or any girly toys. To say that I played with cars and trucks and toy guns all day long would be a lie, but I’d often play outside – run (like a maniac in circles most probably), climb trees, jump rope, and such. In grade school, I wanted to play soccer and basketball with the boys. Oh, and the group of girls in my class would often gang up on guys and beat them up. No joke, we were savages.

By the age of 10-11, and quite possibly overnight, I got boobs. Seriously, gut-wrenching embarrassment right there. My mother would basically drain my soul of any love I had for her when she’d openly chitchat with her BFFs right in front of me about my dreaded, newly found chest mounds.

Mom: “Can you believe the size of her BREASTS?! I know, me either! Already! Oh, they sure grow up fast…” (sad-face-side-head-movement)

Me: “MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!”

*escapes awkward embrace, marches to room, slams door, buries head in pillow*

I pretty much wanted to kill her at the time, instead of really thanking her. (Although I don’t get my decent size from my mother’s side, but the woman did give me life, so whatever – thanks, mom.)

Sure enough, I’ve come a long way since then. I have come to not only embrace and value the mere existence of my boobs, but also use their magical powers (or their respectable magical size) in every possible advantageous situation. And there are plenty. (Ain’t that right, ladies?)

So, in a nutshell, I was a bit of a tomboy growing up. Until I got the boobs. Yup. Boobs robbed me of any chance of getting picked again to play soccer with the guys. I now had these ridiculous sacks of fat that flared around uncontrollably when I ran or did any cool, outdoorsy activity.

Since I wasn’t the only blessed boob child, all the girls soon starting acting like delicate little flowers. Seriously? I still wanted to beat the boys up when they would act-a-fool! Only now they’d try to cop a feel or pinch my ass, which I certainly didn’t appreciate and would only further make me want to kick the ever-living shit out of them even more.

But, just like the boob phase, I outgrew the no-good-useless-annoying-boys-are-punching-bags stage. Soon enough, I would find myself crushing and gushing over an older, cute and tall 7^th grader. Like, hardcore. Fuck.

I seriously remember thinking:

“OK. Bobby, OMG, Bobby. Bobby (read: typical pretty boy nightmare). He’s just sooooooooooooooooooooo cute. I can’t help but doodle BOBBY all over my friggn notebook. BOBBBBBBY. OKOKOK. Mary and Jane (read: slutbags) are trying to talk to him. (read: flirt). Plus he’s kind of popular. OK, so he must know that he’s all that (read: an asshole). HE IS all that (read: a big asshole). Fuck it, I don’t care if he KNOWS that I THINK he’s all that because he must already KNOW he is all that. (read: totally fucked up overall logic that has probably beautifully set the pace of my overall fucked-upness.)”

True story. Even back then, I clearly didn’t give a shit.

Throughout the years, my overall attitude further solidified the idea that in order for me to really like someone, I had to (obviously) know the person first. I mean, REALLY know the person. Just because I would find a boy attractive and esthetically pleasing (read: hot, hot, hot), would not mean that I LIKED HIM. I generally began putting a lot of emphasis on physical attraction, but probably not enough into getting to know someone because for most of the time, boys didn’t really fascinate me. They bored me and besides my curiosity over how good our tongues could wrestle together or over how big their bulge in their pants could get – I didn’t find myself overly emotionally or mentally stimulated.

Needless to say, the notion of separating “sex” and “love” came in quite easily. I came to realize though that as sexual a person as I might be, in the end, sex just creates a void and doesn’t fill one. I came to realize that lust is just so damn easy, but LOVE IS FUCKING HARD.

But in my late teens and early twenties, I didn’t give a shit. I wanted to me the cool party girl who wasn’t going to talk about “feelings.” I wasn’t going to be needy or emotional. It didn’t suite me well. I wanted to be that girl at the bar, in high heels, armed with a vodka-cran in hand, who wouldn’t desperately try to find Mr. Right. Maybe Mr. Right Now. Or perhaps neither.

Women are emotional for one main reason – we’re nurturing. We want to cater, and coddle and make everything OK. Often times, all of these attributes are extremely externally driven. This means that we will bend ourselves backwards and cater and accommodate and pamper the man in our life. I am not the one to do that. Call me crazy, but I feel like I lose my head when I do this. Maybe I’m selfish; maybe I haven’t found the right person to do this for. Maybe I just really wasn’t blessed with the nurturing gene.

Although I really want to think that one day I will want children, when it comes to kids, I can only tolerate them in small dosages. Very small dosages. I do my best to avoid any family-friendly places, although it’s fucking almost impossible. (read: restaurants, malls, the movies, beaches, vacation resorts, etc.) Also, the thought of squeezing out of my vagina one of those little rugrats terrifies me to no end. But in all honesty, I’m more concerned about giving up my freedom (read: life) and embracing such an important, grown-up, parental role. Maybe I’m selfish; maybe I haven’t found the right person to do this with. Maybe I just really wasn’t blessed with the maternal gene.

On the other hand, men are less emotional for one main reason – they’re solvers. They know they need to profess, protect and provide. They’re thinkers and doers. What a woman will interpret as a “sign,” a man will have a totally logical, cerebral explanation.

Have you ever really listened in on a conversation between two women? It could be about the smallest, dumbest and most insignificant thing, ever. It usually goes something like this:

Female #1: “I’m so cold. BRRRR.”

Female #2: “Omg, I know, me too! What the hell is up with the weather? Seriously. I can’t take it anymore. I wish I lived in Brazil sometimes.”

Female #1: “I KNOW, me too! This weather sucks; it’s supposed to be nice and warm today. I just want to go somewhere warm, but Brazil is too far. I’d move to like, Florida. Omg, Pete’s parents’ third cousin’s girlfriend who I used to take Pilates classes with at Bally’s moved to Florida. You know how much I loooooove Pilates, right? Ugh, I am SO jealous of her! She was in such great shape, too – that bitch. She had such a good bubble butt!”

…

Two words: Verbal Diarrhea.

Same conversation between a woman and a man?

Female: “I’m so cold. BRRRR."

Male: “Put your jacket on.” (hands jacket)

See? Problem solved.

Am I always this short in conversation and ALWAYS a problem-solver? No. Half engaging, stimulating, refreshing coversation? Yes, please. Overall, I just tend to gravitate towards straight-to-the-point-less-endless-mindless-making-my-ears-bleed fucking chatter. MY GOD.

Women are stupid sometimes when it comes to money, too. As much as I would love to own a pair of Christian Louboutin’s, I am not one of those crazy bitches who live on “plastic money.” I happen to have a fucking brain. (Plus, there was a time in college when I DID in fact live on “plastic money” and spent like I was Rockefeller’s daughter, but it was college and I felt entitled to having all sorts of ridiculous – mostly alcohol-induced – expensive, but fun escapades. Alas, I have learned my lesson since then.)

Oh, and (kinda besides the point, but whatever) do you know why most women would kill for a nice pair of Christian Louboutin’s? Because we all want to stand taller and sexier next to another insecure, stupid bitch, just to get an asshole’s attention. Yup, that’s my new-found theory. (OK, it could also be because the quality and design of the shoes is amazing.)

Other attributes that make me less than your average girly-girl? I have the mouth of a truck driver, I hate shopping, I’m allergic to chick flicks, I’m pretty handy around the house, nothing better to watch than a UFC fight, I rule in beer pong, free weights are my best friends at the gym and I refuse to do “girl” push-ups.

REFUSE.

OD (Online Dating) ROI (Return On Investment)

"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." - A. Einsten

I want to start off by stating that I’m so ready to kick myself in the ass for even thinking of attempting to write about this topic. No. A kick in the ass is not the right punishment. I should really just chew off my fingers and rip my eyeballs out right now. Maybe cut my tongue out also, and kill all of my brain cells entirely and immediately. That way, I won’t be able to type/talk/think about this toxic-ass ridiculousness.

(I should also apologize about how lengthy this toxic-ass ridiculousness will be, so MY BAD! Alas, I need to detoxify immediately.)

I am referring to none other than Mr. Texas, an “online flame” (more like a fucking disastrous fire) that has plagued and brain-fucked me for the last 3 months or so.

Did I mention that we texted 99324928347923487294827712 times over the course of a month while he was 3475639475327485645 miles away on business?

Of course I did.

Did I mention how we never did actually meet because he turned out to be scumbag, douchebag, lying, flaky bastard?

OF COURSE I DID.

Reading Elle’s latest post on SATS made me realize the following:

GIIIIIIRL, did you set yourself up for this shit!

Yup, I SURE did. And I sort of knew it, too.

From his impeccable spelling/grammar, to his boyish good looks (think tall—swoon, 6’3, blonde-ish—though really not my cup of tea, dark eyes and a smile that could seriously fucking melt the iceberg Titanic hit. I have to admit—I’m such a silly sucker for smiles. I can’t resist a sexy smile that houses some nice pearly whites. I just CAAAAAAN’T!) to his overall personality, I could just TEEEEEEELL (*rolls eyes*) this boy was trouble.

In REAL fucking LIFE, I would NOT go for him, and he would NOT go for me. Call it self-preservation, but he was the type of guy I’d want to just shred to fucking pieces: annoying good looks, a brain AND personality, a good JOB, a good sense of humor (read: funny as shit, sarcasm at its finest, somewhere between crass vulgarity and crude hilarity), throw into the blend some wit and charm and you’ve got the recipe for disaster. Why? Because SOMETHING HAS TO BE WRONG WITH HIM, duh!

Phew. OK, I feel better now. (Not really.)

But… somehow, I lost myself. I let myself be completely fucking delusional. I mean, really. I let myself believe his stupid words on my stupid phone screen. I let myself interpret his stupid words on my stupid phone screen as grand affirmations instead of viewing them as mere word-charades. I’d throw my head back in laughter as he’d vomit all these promises and declare all these ridiculous things to me, things that otherwise would make me run for the steepest, highest hills. But… somehow, I lost myself. I let myself be delusional. Completely fucking delusional.

I said to myself, “OK, fuck all this ridiculous shit he says to me (OK, I didn’t reeeeally say that, but I did say what ensues) I just want to meet him. That’s all I fucking want. God, please give me that and I will be set. Just to make sure that he’s really the Mr. Texas I’m imaging him to be. (And maybe have my way with him a few times. OKOKOK, just ONCE will do.) Then I can shred him to fucking little pieces. Thank you.”

However, while I was legitimately thinking this way, I was also (foolishly) feeling/acting on the following:

1. Time Difference.

He was, as mentioned, 3475639475327485645 miles away on business. (3475639475327485645 = California; I’m an East Coast chick, so you do the math) Mr. Texas was always 3 hours BEHIND. So while he’d prance, frolicking around Californian bars and clubs virtually EVERY fucking NIGHT of the FUCKING WEEK of the FUCKING MONTH (alcoholic, much? Why, yes, of course!), he wouldn’t think twice about texting me. Which was AWWW, SUPER SWEET, right? He’d think of me while out—he’d definitely not be banging talking to other girls. Oh, no. RIGHT.

Not only would he text me at convenient/decent/reasonable hours for him (12AM - 1AM for HIM, 3AM - 4AM for ME) – his texts were often always so fucking retardedly incoherent due to his intoxication that half the time, my only, half-asleep responses would be, “what?” “huh?” “uhhuh…” “haha” and “yes, I know, babe” (*cringe* at “babe” and I had NO idea what the fucking I was agreeing to.) Fucking asshole.

So I basically would stupidly entertain/amuse his sorry, drunken ass at all sorts of ungodly hours of the night, while I had work the next day at 9AM. (Just in case you are wondering, most days, he’d have to go into work by 11AM-12PM the earliest.) Fucking, fucking selfish asshole. (Fucking, fucking stupid girl.)

2. Drama

Three weeks into it, I get a message on the dating site from a cute little blonde who had “endorsed him.” (She was on the site herself.) The message read some ridiculous shit, along the lines of him being a nice, fun guy and all, but bad, bad news and how she “had known him for 3 years and watched him rip 2 girl’s worlds’ apart,” so I should “be careful” if I “feel my feelings getting intense.” (Oh, this was just “a friendly heads-up” and she of course, asked me not to mention anything to him, by the way.)

The story turned out to be that that girl was BFF with his ex-girlfriend of 100000 years, and she (the ex) found out that he (Texas) is “seriously” talking to “some girl” (me) on this dating site, back in NY (where he currently lives, and I hope my fucking city is giving him hell.) The obsessed ex-girlfriend currently lives somewhere in the midwest, where she followed him after college, from Texas, to live with him and be with him and be his bitch. How fucking sweet, boo-fucking-hoo.

Are you fucking kidding me? Looking back, that would have SOOOO been enough. Who does that? How do I allow myself to deal with STUPID, POINTLESS, IMMATURE EX-GIRLFRIEND DRAMA before I even meet this fool? Uuuuuuuuuuuunbelievable.

So I laughed at the message and of course I told him about it. He assured me she was just jealous and a bit of a psycho and she was the only ex who lingered around and he didn’t like it. OKKKKKK. Whatever, that’s really interesting. What the fuck did it have to do with me, I have no clue. Oh, he also made me SWEAR that I didn't believe the chick.

Him: "Swear you don't believe her, unless you're one of those weirdos who doesn't swear."

Me: "Uhm... yea, sure."

Him: "Don't be a douche."

Me: "I SWEAR I DON'T FUCKING BELIEVE A WORD."

Holy shit. HOOOOOOOOOLY shit.

He then proceeded to DELETE/deactivate his online profile.

Me: “Did you delete your profile?”

Him: “Why do I need it? Lol. I have you and if not, I deem that site worthless.”

I must have just responded with a smiley fucking face or just an “OK.” I wasn’t shocked, just more like, in a WTF-is-going-on-here-exactly kind of state. I then proceeded (like the idiot that I am/was) to DELETE my profile, too.

Yes. I am a COMPLETE moron. Whooooo does that? Me, apparently. WHY does one DO THAT? Seriously, I must have just completely forgotten during that time that I actually have a fully-functioning brain and a thing called "pride."

3. (On top of the ex-drama) GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS.

He’d talk about OTHER GIRLS CONSTANTLY.

Now, I understand and can respect that fact that ex’s come up here and there in conversations. In fact, I find it weird if the guy doesn’t want to talk about ex’s—it tells me that something is off: he never had an ex, murdered her, or just isn’t over her (worst case scenario.) Well, Texas would go on and on and give ample and detailed examples about his ex (prior to the message incident—after, when he went back home to visit, after California and before getting back to NY, he told me how he “ripped her apart emotionally;” of course, she just happened to “visit” at the same time, too.)

Other women included fucking a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, an ex (different ex) whose debt he paid off, cheating stories (“stupid college days”), one night stands/fuck buddies, MILFs, and etc.

Hmmmmmmmmm. How lovely.

4. TEMPER. (I’m cringing again.)

A few times, granted during his ridiculous drunken texts, I would make out what seemed to resemble the B-word.

Now, I fully embrace the term “bitch.” I really do. It’s empowering and it bears no abrasive disposition. I like to refer to it as my “Steel Magnolia” description. It’s the kind of term Sherry Argov describes it in her national bestseller, “Why Men Love Bitches.” (ladies, I recommend this 100% for a good fucking laugh and an even better eye-opener.)

However, I don’t give a fuck if you’re spending the week in fucking Amsterdam and you are drunk and high off your asshole, the B-word is NOT appreciated coming from a fucking man in such respect. It is rude and dis-fucking-respectful. Go swallow a knife. (Oh, and I wouldn't have batted an eyelash about telling him off to his pretty little gorgeous Texan face.)

Two sober nasty altercations ensued soon after—one over a simple comment I made at the fact that he had lost his tongue ring after a nice night of excessive drinking. (uhm, seriously?)

Him: “So I woke up this morning and I realized my tongue ring was missing. I have no idea what happened to it.”

Me: “Oh… I have an idea.”

Him: “What idea is that, sweetie?”

Me: “Oh, you knoooooow…”

Him: “You’re so fucking annoying when you say shit like that. You’re just obnoxious. […] If I were to put my tongue in God-knows-what place, on God-knows-what girl, why the fuck would I waste my time talking to you every single fucking day of my life? Why would I tell you that I’m leaving and talk with you every day? Trust me, I wouldn’t give a fuck, I’d just holla when I’d be back in NY and smash.”

"Holla" and "smash." My eyes were having a blast rolling in the back of my fucking head in amusement, disgust and disbelief.

Uhm, defensive much? OKKKKKK. Jesus Christ. All I said was, “Oh, you know.” That’s.just.three.words. WOW.

I tried to appease the weird encounter by stating the following:

Me: "Would you like me to buy you a new tongue ring?"

Him: "LMAO, noooo."

Him: "Awww, I'm sorry baby, you're cute and funny, I'm sorry that I got so mad, I just didn't like how you said that and I don't know... I took it the wrong way, I guess."

Fucking FREAK.

I have really no energy or desire to get into the second time he got nasty with me (something about his ex), apparently his panties must have been on too tight for him, but I just wanted to show how he definitely had some major anger issues, and never did he even try to hide this fact from me.

“By far, my anger is my biggest flaw. But at least I’m honest about it, and I am working on it.”

Vomit. And congratu-fucking-lations, dickhead.

5. Doing Ridiculous Shit.

I am not Betty Fucking Crocker and I hate Rachael Ray with the passion of a thousand suns. Albeit, I CAN be a bit domestic, but in this guy’s mind, I was already LIVING at his place – cooking and cleaning and doing his fucking laundry. Oh, how I WISH I were kidding. This got to be slightly annoying. Men – I get it. You need to eat. You like to eat. Women should feed you – sure. SMACK to the KITCHEN? – I don’t fucking think so. Yes, I’ve prepared elaborate meals for boyfriends in the past, but I honestly don’t just cook for anyone. That is almost something intimate to me; it has to be earned by the person who's getting this treatment. (Yes, I AM THAT GOOD.) I don’t know why I see it in such a way, but I just do.

Him: “So what would you cook for me, baby?” (Keyword: WOULD)

Me: “Uhmm…Italian?”

(Insert endless Italian food commentary here)

Me: “Listen, if I WERE to do that, I wouldn’t try to impress you. Honestly, I’m not exactly Betty Crocker and I don’t like very much the idea of spending endless hours in a fucking hot ass kitchen. I know what I can make, it’s easy, quick, and delicious and you’d love it.”

Him: “You wouldn’t have to impress me, baby. You blow my mind already and I’m sure I’d love anything you’d make.”

Vomit.

6. Overall Uber Shadiness.

The last (and pretty sure the biggest) factor I chose to stupidly overlook/pretend I don’t mind/not care too much about/not stand up to was the fact that Texas claimed from DAY ONE (OK, like day 3) that he had a “fancy iPhone” (he worked for Apple, Inc.—now you know why I hate all Apple products, but I just picked up my iPhone last week) whose speaker was busted, hence we couldn’t talk on the phone.

(You WORK for Apple, are away on work-related BUSINESS, and your fancy technological instrument from your work establishment is NOT working properly. RIGHT. FU. I was indeed born yesterday.)

OKKKKK. What was I supposed to say to that? How the hell was I supposed to find out if that was a lie or not? So texting up the ass is what we did. Day-in, day-out, night-in, night-out. After he disappeared, I tried to call him just ONCE (used my friend’s phone and blocked her number, too, of course.) I got his voicemail. I figured maybe he got ran over by a cab or something. He then resurrected from the dead a month later! AND STILL, ‘TILL THIS DAY, THIS MOTHERFUCKING CHARACTER NEVER CALLED ME.

He'd send me funny (read: retarded) videos of himself and his buddies in messages ON THE DATING SITE. (He asked me for my email the first night, claimed he sent a video there, but it "must have not gone through" because I never got shit from him.)

He also had "5000+" Facebook friends or some number in that ballpark, and apparently, Mark Zuckerberg was not allowing his popular ass to add anymore "friends" unless he KNEW them. In person. And since, well, we hadn't MET YET, he couldn't add me just yet. (Are there like, Facebook Laws now? Seriously? WTF, fucking bullshit)

Because his phone speaker was "busted," he suggested Skype. OKKKKKK. One night, we had a scheduled a "Skype date" (I was alone in a hotel room, in Fort Lauderdale, FL for a conference, while he... ended up going out and getting trashed that night. Oh, he also would send me pictures of himself with GIRLS. Girls he'd meet randomly, I'm assuming. "What uppppp girl, I'm tiiiiiioopsssyyy" When I told him I'd start sending him pictures with dudes, he got offended. Fucktard.)

So, let's recap: NO email. NO Facebook. NO Skype. NO phone calls.

What in the fuckity fuck was I doing/thinking? Someone please, I really am about to just punch myself in the fucking face.

*punches face*

*faints*

Now, onto the shady resurrection:

Him: (a month after disappearance) “Wow, phew, lol finally got your number back… If you want an explanation, add me on Skype (insert lame Skype name here) and we’ll talk later tonight or whenever you have time. If not, uh, take care and I’m sorry."

Me: (like, a day later) “If you have an explanation, call."

Him: (like, a minute later) “I’d rather Skype, or meet in person, unless you’re planning on killing me."

Fuck you very much.

(Insert minimal annoyed sarcastic banter here)

Him: “Miss you."

Me: “Sure you do.”

I think he’s really just an Asian midget. Or a pervy 65 year old from Nebraska.

Everything was just a lie and a great show was put on.

*applauds*

SO DONE.

Done, done, done.

I sent one last TEXT to him, and I said that it was needed to be done, for myself. My "closure text." I remained calm and collected, though I thoroughly also expressed my annoyance and slight aggravation in a moderate-to-high bitchy tone.

Never heard shit back. Gee, what a surprise.

Lesson to be learned: investment prior to actually meeting the guy in person. That investment should equal to ZERO. Niente, nada, zilch, kaput, NOTHING.

Therefore, the ROI will also be ZERO. I might have only gotten a B in Finance, but I do know that Investment > ROI = you're a fucking moron.

Congratulations, you fail at life.

(Did I really have to go through such a fucking – granted mildly stimulating and entertaining – charade to see and learn this??)

Sad, end/side note: I was NOT talking to any other guys at the same time, of course. Like, at all. NOT ONE. Lame.

Edit: I just wanted to also add that I never do this shit. The reason why I'm so disappointed is because as I said, I "went with it" and just didn't want to be skeptical/negative about shit. This is how I now know that it's just way better and a lot smarter to be skeptical/negative.

Writer's Block (read: Lack of Motivation)

Since I've prettied up my little blog tonight, it'd only be customary that I'd update it with a new, fabulous post. However, my mind has been a clusterfuck of thoughts and ridiculous emotions the past few weeks that I still need time to try to put them in some sort of ridiculous order. That way, I hope to be able to fully reflect and to articulate a half-decent, intelligible post.

I also have made it a PRIORITY to gym it haaaaarrrrd in the morning, no more excuses - my gym gets ridiculously packed in the afternoons, and I seriously want to punch someone in the face because I can't even BREATHE in that goddamn place (I'll somewhat miss the hunky men that make up 90% of my gym population, but I won't miss the silly intimidating vibe they give off when I'm trying to do my Romanian deadlifts or the annoyed jump-roping I do to pass the time while I wait for the Smith machine) - alas, there's fucking sunlight at 5AM in the summer, so my ass needs to get up!

Maybe a new and improved AM gym schedule will help de-funk the BLAH state of mind I've been in lately.

Oh, and Zumba. I love shaking my ass.

Too Little, Too Late

There’s a certain allure that I’ve always found in truly being indifferent. Even in the way it sounds: indifference. It’s harsh, hard and cold. And it’s real.

For most of us, the indifference stance is fervently adopted as a stoic response to negative experiences. We get shot down, so we don’t care anymore. We’re heartbroken, so fuck that noise. Kick rocks, bitch. We become emotionless, unaffected. Robots. Indifference just becomes a sad cover-up. And it usually is followed by the undeniable regret.

True indifference, however, stems from a quiet place. It’s not meant to act as a defense mechanism of any kind. On the contrary - it brings about closure and peace.

When I was younger, my mom once told me how being indifferent is the wisest way to deal with certain aspects of life. Indifference is worse than feeling “hate.” Gosh – hate. Really, mom? Hate carries as much heavy emotional artillery as its complete opposite. LOVE. And the two often are coupled together in our hearts and minds. We love to hate. We hate to love. Double whammy. But indifference will just stare you in the face. Indifference will not smile or wink at you. It will not scream at you or curse you out. It will just stare you blankly and calmly in the face. And there ain’t a damn thing you can do about it.

Once all my emotions have been exhausted, I become indifferent. I’m stripped of all emotions. I no longer love, hate, care, fear, long, desire, want, lust, hunger, doubt, wonder, question, admire, assume, demand, or crave. I’m no longer happy, tender, excited, scared, sad or angry. I no longer experience: pride, pity, misery, regret, sorry, shock, horror, guilt, embarrassment, euphoria, despair, hope, envy, disappointment, contempt, or anxiety. YUP, even apathy.

I’m just fucking INDIFFERENT.

Best Thing I Never Had

It’s been over two weeks and I am still dumbfounded, looking for answers and justifications that I probably will never find. I’ve stipulated and have also probably exhausted a shitload of possible scenarios as to WHAT might have (caused this to) happen(ed). […]

To backtrack a bit: over a month ago, I jokingly signed up for an online dating site. No big deal; I really had absolutely ZERO expectations and my overall attitude was “I really just don’t give a fuck.” I mean, come on. Seriously. What the Internet has been able to do in terms of “dating” is open up a virtual portal for all freaks to pass themselves as being NORMAL. It totally served as a mild distraction/curiosity.

No more than two days in, I start messaging with a handsome dude from NYC. OK, very handsome dude from NYC (at least in my opinion, but I’m pretty sure in many others’ too). So I’d be a terrible liar to say that it wasn’t the picture of his gorgeous smile and chiseled face that got my attention. But anyway, it was really his profile that seriously intrigued me – aside from the pretty impeccable spelling/grammar, he sounded extremely honest and straight up, with a little bit of a “dick” attitude, but that’s how “extreme honesty” can come across, so I can dig it. I’d rather read that than an endless, boring enumeration of all amazing qualities and adjectives that most guys use to describe themselves – it’s like, really? If you’re SUCH a great catch, then why are on here? Nothing but a bunch of tools.

Getting back to Mr. Wonderful. I will call him Texas – the perfect pseudo-online boyfriend-name ever. (He was originally from Texas, where everything "is much more genuine than in the Northeast." Really, shitface?) So we start to message each other back and forth pretty heavily on the site, which was totally cool (mind you, I am totally NEW to this whole fucking online dating crap thing). Maybe one-two days in, having reached a decent level of “comfort,” if you may, his message reads something along the lines of:

Listen, I’ll be honest with you – on Saturday, I’m leaving to California for work for 3 weeks to a month – if you want, we can exchange phone numbers and what not, but if not that’s cool, if we’re still both available when I get back, I’d love to meet for drinks or something, if you’d want.

Of course, who am I to NOT want to cop digits because I am gangsta like that and, to make a really long and TERRIBLE story short, what ensues for the next FIVE weeks is what I call a full-blown insane textathon. No joke, I did a search on my Blackberry – close to 8000 (yes, eight thousand) incoming and outgoing text messages were exchanged (including picture messages), basically just covering an entire fucking array of topics of conversation, from sports, to food, to love, to family, to cars, to careers, to relationships, to… yup, LOTS of SEX talk.

Needless to say, we NEVER did meet. Yup, Texas disappeared (read: conveniently stopped answering my texts about 4 hours before out scheduled meeting) off the face of the earth. So, where am I today? Today, as I have been for the past two weeks, am left wondering just how this human being was able to waste my time (AND HIS) in such a way. I’m also left wondering how the fuck did I allow for THIS to happen.

I guess by “this” I am referring to some strange type of little emotional investment that I did have in this? The type of emotional investment I’d rather be trampled on my elephants on fire than admit to having. Sure, I can sit here and calmly claim that I invested only thumb muscle power (read: texting), but I’d be lying. Yup, yup, yup. I totally would be.

(Side note: I wish I had the time/energy or he'd be worth the effort of me typing out the random shit we'd talk about and ALL the stuff that I know about him; it's quite amusing just how much of HIS own time he wasted, but that really doesn't even fucking matter.)

I was honest, open, raw with my emotions, meaning I was in stupid high spirits and would genuinely smile and become so extremely happy to hear from him – to the point where it was just a crazy definite that we would meet and just hit it off in person as well as we did through texts. Not more than a few hours in a day would pass by that we wouldn’t be in contact. Major plans (baseball games, movies, dinner, taking me to Texas to see where he's from, even Vegas - yes, VEGAS, didn't believe it for a second and guess what? I ended up going to Vegas anyway with my girlfriends, and other blah blah blah ridiculous bullshit) were made (ALL initiated by HIM, mind you) that just built upon the excitement. There was a definite perfect blend of sarcasm, playfulness and seriousness. And stupid ex-girlfriend drama, of course. (I ended up receiving a “fake” message on the dating site from her, telling me “watch out” for him, that he is a nice buy, but just bad news. Should have listened? Ha! Seriously, I can’t think of anything more lame than that.)

He made my head spin, to be honest. In a good way, and in my eyes, he made himself seem like Mr. Perfect, yet he didn’t even know that he did. There were a few “offs” that I had picked up on, MAJOR offs I want to say, so perhaps I dodged a huge bullet, after all. Not for nothing, but he also wasn’t all shy talking about NOT being Mr. Perfect and about having a few character flaws: temper, double-standards, cockiness (but he swore he was just confident, and only a bit big-headed because of all he had accomplished and where he came from.) Hmmm, I think I’ll add a few more: a drunk (I swear, he went out and got drunk almost every night while in Cali – hence the drunken texts), a bit of a misogynist, a bit of a racist (yes, you're from Texas, I get it... NOT REALLY!) a bit of a complainer, a bona fide “EX” bad boy. Puh-lease.

Wait, wait. I think I’ll add some more: A coward COCKBAG who felt he was better than anyone else, whose stupid lines I believed and whose dick I hope will fall off from an unimaginable mix of chlymedia and gonorrhea caught from the next whore he fucks. (I’m so classy when I’m mad.) I hate his guts.

To give a taste of his originality, wisdom, wit, charm and overall douchbagginess, I’m posting one the longer messages we’d exchanged every so often:

Texas:

“i'm bored and i hate facebook and i'm texting you and i have nothing to do and i wanna sleep and i don't wanna be sitting here... correction, i wish i was sleeping with you. ok correction, i wish i was getting it on with you. i know you appreciate my honesty so i figured i'd just go ahead and say it. and i have no idea why i'm writing this to you, i just have absolutely nothing better to do with my time. i wish you had an iphone so we could play words with friends, it's like scrabble, and so i could dominate you and plow your ass into the group because i'm awesome. (just so we don't get the wishes confused, i'd rather be getting it on than playing a scrabble-like game. so just incase a greater power decides to grant me a wish within the next 5 minutes, please take the one i prefer)......... not that i belive that would happen, i just had to be a smartass about it. anyway i'm still not sure why i'm writing this to you. it's 1:02 right now, i've decided that i'm going to get a mountain dew and vending machine cupcakes at 1:15 so you get to listen to me ramble until 1:15. which, i'll be surprised if you read all of this. actually who am i kidding, i know you will. and oh look you just texted me. apparently my degree sounds fancy? you're such a damn goofball, but eventually you're gonna be my goofball. ok, wait, i'll put it in perspective: i have to take you to dinner multiple times, have you make me dinner multiple times, have sex multiple times, and hope we click in person as well, then you'll be mine. phew, sounds like a tedious process..... just kidding, i can't wait. now it's 1:05. 10 minutes left of this ridiculous shit, where i don't even know what i'm saying or why i'm saying it. i can be kinda random sometimes. i really want a drink of that mountain dew right now. and my gum in my mouth is really dull. is it gross that i'll take your gum out of your mouth and chew it? actually idc if you think it's gross, i seriously do that... you just texted me again, interruption annoys me. so watch, i'm gonna be a dick purposely. it stands for master of science in integrated marketing communications. i feel bad right now for being mean for no reason but it's kinda funny, i'm just teasing i promise :) now it's 1:08 and i didn't accomplish shit in those 3 minutes, damn. ok, fuck 1:09. i promise i'll make the last 6 minutes great. especially because i want them to fly by, the anticipation of the mountain dew is making my mouth uh... hard? by 1:15 it'll be an orgasm in my mouth, can't wait. anyway enough of this random shit that i'm pulling out of my ass, i can't wait to see you, kiss you, carry you over my shoulder like a piece of nothin', and throw you up in the air and onto my bed, alright seriously i'll make sure you almost hit the ceiling before you come tumbling down, it'll probably scare you the first couple of times then you'll get used to it. kinda weird how i'm so crazy about a girl i've never met, better yet, i'm rarely ever crazy about girls, i have a hard time giving a fuck because most girls are just mental clusterfucks but i swear something about you makes me tick for you, i guess it can only get better in person huh? it's 1:12 now, text me back, i wonder you're sitting there like why the HELL is he so goddamn mad.... and you're probably reading this NOW thinking "i'm stupid, he was never mad" i told you i'm rude when i'm mad, but i'm not really being mean to you, i guess you should take notes for this so you can separate sincerity from jokes. 2 MINUTES UNTIL IT'S MOUNTAIN DEW TIME, you know the most fucked up part about this? i could go get a mountain dew and shit right now, but i just decided i was gonna write until 1:15, i like to stick to things. anyway you're cute, beautiful, and a lot of things that make me happy but it just turned 1:15 and i'm going to get my mountain dew. LATER BABE!”

ANYWAYS. My closure text can also be read below. It was my (second to last) attempt a few days later to reach him. I never did call him (his “phone speaker was busted”) and mind you, he worked for Apple Inc. And had a “jailbroken” (read: fancy) iPhone. (in his defense – I don’t know why – he did tell me this from the very beginning). Still. What kind of SHIT is that? Totally shady shit, if you ask me.

“So, this isn't a pathetic attempt to reach out to you because right now I truly feel you aren't worth my time, and while you might sit there on your big Texan king throne thinking how you're the shit because I have allowed someone who I never even MET get to me, I just wanna say fucked up shit because...well, I just feel like it and because I can and because I'm feeling extra bitchy today. To be real with you, I'm fucking honest even with my anger, which makes me laugh in a way, although my pride makes me wanna play my anger off cool and hide it? I honestly don't care how this makes me look, I don't care what you'll think, I honestly just don't give a fuck. You were almost too good to be true, so a big THANK YOU for instilling that in me--if something seems to be too good to be true, it probably is. You were like a good distraction and that's about it; I don't regret a thing and I'd fucking do it again in a second, I'd want to feel that excitement and that genuine feeling of happiness again and again because that's just ME--I'm fucking RAW and I don't give a fuck. I listened to ALL THE SHIT you had to say to me and it was all a fucking game, and yeah, I took it in and felt you genuine, and if hadn't done that, then what? I would have been in a better place? Whatever. Talk is cheap at the end of the day; that's what your words have been to me. So while this will sound like one hell of a cliche, I know that this was unfortunate how you played it out, you shady shot caller, and it's totally YOUR LOSS. So indirectly, another big THANK YOU--cuz I can't fucking wait to meet someone who'll have all your (fake?) positives and none of your fucked up shortcomings.”

Oh, the joys of ONLINE dating. Shit is really hilarious, I swear. And oh yeah, people are shady. Lesson learned!

On another note, these seem to be the trends I’ve picked up from online dating: (I’m currently using a different site; Texas and I both “deleted” our profiles on a good note we were, claiming that “we have each other” – vomit.)

- No one looks like his or her pictures.
- People you are interested in are usually not interested in you.
- People are too lazy to spell out full words, or no one can really spell/use proper grammar.
- If you’re excited about meeting someone, expect him or her to cancel last minute. (Or better yet, to just disappear.)
- If you’re not interested in someone, expect him or her to continue emailing you asking why you're not replying.
- Seems like everyone likes to take pictures of themselves in the bathroom, I hate self-taken shots anyways!
- wHy Do PeOpLe tYpE lIkE ThIs, OR IN ALL CAPS????

Things I don’t trust:

- People with only one photo posted.
- People with only self-taken pictures. What, no friends?
- Pictures from whacky angles or from 500ft away.
- The “Where's Waldo” pictures, where every picture is of the guy and 7 of his friends… Need I say more?
- Fake profiles! I can spot them from a mile away. That’s a whole new level of sad – congrats, assholes!

"I am not interested in nice. I’m interested in truth. Truth is real. Nice is for assholes with no balls who care about what other people think."

Dear Future Boyfriend,

(Note: Inspired by none other than David Stehle)

I sit and think how I could possibly start this letter without it giving off the wrong impression or idea. You see, this isn’t meant to be the typical annoying, demanding and ongoing enumeration of the qualities a woman is looking for in a man, or the type of man a woman is looking for or the things a man should do for a woman. That would be ludicrous. This is meant to be really just a letter which, if I had the courage (read: balls), I’d actually want you to read (once we’d meet), because for the first time in a long time, I no longer feel like cringing when using the term, "boyfriend." (OK, maybe I still do a little.)

What I would like to say is that I'm learning to come to terms with it all: what it really means to love myself, to love someone else, to make a relationship last, to find happiness and to heal my life entirely. And I am - slowly. I'm learning to come to terms with it all. (You should already feel special.)

I'll admit it: I can be a tremendous paradox. I don't mean to be, but I just am. Especially in the beginning; this is when I will be most scared. Though internally I may seek you in many different ways, outwardly I will always portray a smooth and composed demeanor. I will want my heart to always remain untouchable and I will always want to say, "I want you, but I don't need you." I will always want to believe that I am a resourceful enough person. But please, be gentle with me. Know that most likely, this will just be a mask I’m going to try to hide behind. My intention will not be to fool you in any way; I will simply be too scared to let you in! Sure, I may indeed be resourceful and independent, but I want to learn to let needing you be OK, too. (Sometimes.)

This should not be mistaken for weakness, fickleness or gratuitous coolness. I will not be afraid to speak my mind. I will tell you when you fuck up. I will tell you when you act like an idiot. I will tell you when you hurt me. And I won’t apologize for any of it. "No" will really mean "no" and "yes" will really mean, "yes" with me. What you'll see is what you'll (mostly, like 99.9%) get and though this notion seemingly hasn't given way to many astounding outcomes, I will continue following it religiously: take it or leave it.

I do vow to leave the past fully behind. It’s the one issue I still struggle with the most. I’ve always believed that any pain one feels is temporary; it sucks to feel it, but with time, it always passes. Broken hearts always eventually mend. It’s the consequences of the pain that one has to learn to live with. My painful past experiences just shaped me; they changed me. For the worse—I became fearful, pessimistic, bitter, and colder. But in time, I’ve grown to be aware of how I’ve become. So please, don’t be put off by the myriad of exhausting self-realization (thank you, A. Maslow and C. Rogers) activities I tend to engage in: thinking, discussing, evaluating, analyzing, realizing—just to rev into motion the action of changing. For the BETTER.

OK then. Now that we got all that serious stuff out of the way, you need to know that I LOVE to laugh. Nothing sexier than a man with a sense of humor. (OK, maybe a few other things are sexier.) However, please refrain from confusing “sense of humor” with “immaturity.” No, I don’t think armpit farts are funny and picking on little kids is just inappropriate. I mean, come on. There’s a difference between being funny and being rude. Between being funny and acting retarded. If you wish to watch stupid cartoons, please feel free to do so on your own schedule. (Hey, in my defense, I do like “The Simpsons” and “Family Guy!”) The point I’m trying to make is that there’s just a certain divine comfort I feel whenever a guy can make me laugh. Don’t worry though—you don’t have to make me laugh until my sides hurt aaaaall the time. You don’t even have to be Adam Sandler. It’s just that I’ve only recently learned that life isn’t meant to be taken too seriously. And well, it’s true when they say that if you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do (almost) anything.

And, on that note, once you gain my trust, I will want to do just about anything and everything for you. I will love you for who you are, I will appreciate you for what you do and I will always respect you. And I won’t be afraid to show you and remind you of this often. My actions will speak louder than my words. In a world that’s becoming more controlling, insecure, bitter and conditional, I will want to stand beside you and be proud to call you my man. The truth is that I will want to love you unconditionally. I will always want to give 60% and ask for 40%. Yet, I need to say that, in return, I would ask for you to do the same. That way, we will balance each other out perfectly. We will break the norm of the conventional 50-50. Selflessly, I will want to give you more and ask for less.

As much as I might want to skip this part, I need to be honest and add it in - I do desperately long for a sense of security. I would want nothing more than for you to be my pillar of great strength, a good shoulder to lean on. Please, don't ever pretend to care or be too lazy to care. A touch of sensitivity will also add enough emotional security - enough to make me hunger for you when you will not be near me. So if I stubbornly dismiss your, "Is everything OK?," know that there will be great rewards in store for putting in some effort and digging a bit deeper. Our emotional bond will make me want to have eyes (and a mouth, and lips and fingers...) only for you. For all your thoughtfulness, affection, kindness and patience, I will never cease to make you feel amazingly good and wanted; I will be your drug and keep you on a constant high.

There is probably more I'd want to say, but I think I will do us both a favor and just stop here. Although I'm aware that a perfect union doesn't exist, I want to be confident that we will both possess the right blend of qualities that will lead to mutual understanding, respect, love and overall ridiculous excitement and happiness.

Sincerely,

Kiss

Letter to Someone Who Recently Hurt Me

(Note: Though this is a letter, it will not carry the usual salutation of, "Dear..." or "Hello..." In fact, it will not even be addressed directly.)

It's almost past midnight, but I can hear your screams of frustration and restless sighs of disbelief from up here. You're mad and you're not afraid to show it. I can't help but shudder, although all I really want to do is just roll my eyes in annoyance. Your favorite game is on and you are having a one-on-one screaming match with the TV.

I guess I should be grateful that it's only the TV you are fighting with tonight--don't worry, you will win. It's a lifeless object that simply flashes images in from of your eyes. You can yell and scream at it all you wish, but in the end, it will not talk back to you. In the end, you will dominate it. By man-handling its lifeless extension called the remote control and by pushing the POWER/OFF button.

This is exactly how everyone in this house would like to treat you sometimes. Like a lifeless TV set.

I have always been a firm believer in the fact that, one can indeed be a "good" person deep down inside. And that deep down inside, everyone really is a "good" person. Yet just how "deep" is deep down inside? How far must one travel into the inner-workings of your mind and soul to justify that statement for you? While I have no problem taking a deeper look, over the years, as I've become quite tired of constantly taking the time to look so hard and so far and so DEEPLY inside, I've come up with the following notion: while one might be an overall good person, it is his or her everyday actions that make him or her WHO HE or SHE REALLY is.

So needless to say, these actions are what constitute your goodness in my eyes. And branching off this notion, more often than not, one might consider you a not-so-good person after all.

There are virtually too many things and instances I can come up with to use as examples as to why you are a good person, deep down inside. There are virtually too many things and instances I can come up with to use as examples as to why you hurt me. You might not know this, but you hurt me (and others around you) every day.

You hurt me when I say hello to you and you don't answer. You hurt me when you say hello to me first and wonder why I don't say hello to you. You hurt me when you criticize my mother's cooking and you hurt me when you refuse to eat dinner on the rare occasion when we do get together. You hurt me when you are too proud to ask for help and you hurt me when you don't appreciate the help I give anyway. You hurt me when you are so impatient that your blood boils in your veins. You hurt me when you make me feel guilty. You hurt me when you yell at my mother. You hurt me when you spew such painful words to my 87-year old grandmother. You hurt me with your anger. You hurt me with your frustration. You hurt me with your negativity. You hurt me with you uncertainty. You hurt me with your fears. You hurt me with your pessimism.

You hurt me, but I love you. And I forgive you. It is all that I can do.

-Kiss

My First Love

(Note: Since more than three months have passed since my last entry, I think it's safe to say that the initial, sudden excitement of my 30-Day Blog Challenge quickly fizzled in the wind. But "easy does it," right? Just going at my own snail pace here, thank ya.)

My story is not the typical "first love" love story. There is absolutely no magic and little innocence involved. My story does not depict a beautiful, puppy love summer romance and it does not involve a courting, doting high school sweetheart. Whenever I think about my first love, I honestly don't even know who to best consider.

Which is why I would much rather give a quick synopsis on each boyfriend I've had/boy I've dated. (This is actually the first time I'm doing this, ever.)

1. P. - We dated for 2 years. I was 16, he was 18. He was my first, but I never loved him. I cared about him, but I knew in my heart... I just didn't feel it. But I stayed and convinced myself I was just "scared." Scared of having a good guy. He had already enlisted in the US Army when we met. Fought in Iraq while I finished high school and started college. Never made it to my prom. Spent more time apart, writing letters and talking on the phone. Cheated on me, but I forgave him anyway. Eventually, it all fizzled and I ended it for good. It was pointless; I was unhappy. I didn't see it going anywhere. We had nothing in common. I was growing (up).

2. T. - We felt an instant connection, connection that led to a destructive cat-and-mouse game we played. A few GOOD years older than me, he lived life by his own rules. Was always a dick and never an asshole, meaning: he was always honest with me and about the terms of our "relationship." He never led me on, never told me he loved me and never promised me the world. (lies) He became my drug, while he himself battled a drug problem. His pride was immense; he never reached out to me. I stayed for 2 years because I did love him. I wanted him to see just how grand my love for him was. And I wanted to be the one to bring it out because I KNEW, just knew, that somewhere deep inside, underneath the tough guy dick act, there was a guy who actually loved me for me and for all that I was doing for him. I wasn't physically abused, but I let him emotionally abuse me. I knew all of it, but I kept going back, like a battered wife who just doesn't know any better - back to the battering husband. In two years, we went out to dinner once and once for breakfast. But I lived and learned. Learned how not to be. Learned to love myself first. Learned to (again) grow up. (His love for me did eventually show conveniently about a year after I decided I had had enough.)

3. J. - This man really did me in. I still wonder if he'll ever even know how badly he hurt me and the immense effect he has had on me. Fast forward two and a half years (at age 22!) - met unexpectedly, just like in the movies - locked eyes across bar, pretended to not see him, pretended some more to ignore him, but secretly loved it as my heart anxiously beat in my chest when he approached me to talk to me and ask for my number the first night. Loved it even more when he shot me a sweet text later on that night. I stayed composed and "cool" (but I was really just numbed by fear and my own insecurities) for the 7 months we "blissfully" dated until it all ended abruptly and awfully silently. Literally - in the most coward way, he stopped answering my calls (one time that I called, usually we texted) and stopped answering my texts (a whopping two texts within the course of a week or so.) I knew it was over. I just felt it. And I knew my fear had driven it. Or had at least something to do with it. I didn't believe in the good that could have come out of it. I stood threatened and anxious over his previous 5-year relationship. I felt more angry, betrayed, humiliated and alone.

4. J. - The second J in my life is the first man I can honestly say I had a good, "grown-up" relationship with. He was and still in an incredible man. Selflessly, the took the time to clean up the messes all the other before him have made. He didn't mind doing so. I had the upper hand from the very beginning; he knew it and I loved it. But never did I abuse it with him. I just knew he loved me more than I loved him from the beginning. It was written somewhere though, in this universe that I would find such a man and that this man would "fix me." But now... now that I feel all fixed, I want to spread my wings and fly... Two and a half years later, I'm learning to fly. Fearlessly.

It hasn't been easy. It hasn't been all that hard either. I try to live with no regrets. All my experiences made me into who I am today. That always seems to be such a cliche--well then, WHO ARE YOU TODAY really? We always throw the phrase around as if we are all "done" and "finished" today. We are just simple transgressions through time. We are not done learning, living, loving. Who we are today will change. In a second, starting tomorrow. Starting right now.

No love is ever the same, like no two people are ever the same. Love is ever-changing. So is heartbreak. We are never the same after either one of them. But we must learn to embrace them equally almost--in a way, they're opposites, but they go together. So I've experienced my share of heartbreak from all the men in my past (FYI - the ones listed above are only the "main ones") which means that I must have loved them all, somehow, each one of them in totally different ways. And I'm fine with that.

The most uncoventional "first love" love story ever told. Still, it's MY story. And I wouldn't change it in any way.