Thursday, April 7, 2011

Dear Future Boyfriend,

(Note: Inspired by none other than David Stehle)

I sit and think how I could possibly start this letter without it giving off the wrong impression or idea. You see, this isn’t meant to be the typical annoying, demanding and ongoing enumeration of the qualities a woman is looking for in a man, or the type of man a woman is looking for or the things a man should do for a woman. That would be ludicrous. This is meant to be really just a letter which, if I had the courage (read: balls), I’d actually want you to read (once we’d meet), because for the first time in a long time, I no longer feel like cringing when using the term, "boyfriend." (OK, maybe I still do a little.)

What I would like to say is that I'm learning to come to terms with it all: what it really means to love myself, to love someone else, to make a relationship last, to find happiness and to heal my life entirely. And I am - slowly. I'm learning to come to terms with it all. (You should already feel special.)

I'll admit it: I can be a tremendous paradox. I don't mean to be, but I just am. Especially in the beginning; this is when I will be most scared. Though internally I may seek you in many different ways, outwardly I will always portray a smooth and composed demeanor. I will want my heart to always remain untouchable and I will always want to say, "I want you, but I don't need you." I will always want to believe that I am a resourceful enough person. But please, be gentle with me. Know that most likely, this will just be a mask I’m going to try to hide behind. My intention will not be to fool you in any way; I will simply be too scared to let you in! Sure, I may indeed be resourceful and independent, but I want to learn to let needing you be OK, too. (Sometimes.)

This should not be mistaken for weakness, fickleness or gratuitous coolness. I will not be afraid to speak my mind. I will tell you when you fuck up. I will tell you when you act like an idiot. I will tell you when you hurt me. And I won’t apologize for any of it. "No" will really mean "no" and "yes" will really mean, "yes" with me. What you'll see is what you'll (mostly, like 99.9%) get and though this notion seemingly hasn't given way to many astounding outcomes, I will continue following it religiously: take it or leave it.

I do vow to leave the past fully behind. It’s the one issue I still struggle with the most. I’ve always believed that any pain one feels is temporary; it sucks to feel it, but with time, it always passes. Broken hearts always eventually mend. It’s the consequences of the pain that one has to learn to live with. My painful past experiences just shaped me; they changed me. For the worse—I became fearful, pessimistic, bitter, and colder. But in time, I’ve grown to be aware of how I’ve become. So please, don’t be put off by the myriad of exhausting self-realization (thank you, A. Maslow and C. Rogers) activities I tend to engage in: thinking, discussing, evaluating, analyzing, realizing—just to rev into motion the action of changing. For the BETTER.

OK then. Now that we got all that serious stuff out of the way, you need to know that I LOVE to laugh. Nothing sexier than a man with a sense of humor. (OK, maybe a few other things are sexier.) However, please refrain from confusing “sense of humor” with “immaturity.” No, I don’t think armpit farts are funny and picking on little kids is just inappropriate. I mean, come on. There’s a difference between being funny and being rude. Between being funny and acting retarded. If you wish to watch stupid cartoons, please feel free to do so on your own schedule. (Hey, in my defense, I do like “The Simpsons” and “Family Guy!”) The point I’m trying to make is that there’s just a certain divine comfort I feel whenever a guy can make me laugh. Don’t worry though—you don’t have to make me laugh until my sides hurt aaaaall the time. You don’t even have to be Adam Sandler. It’s just that I’ve only recently learned that life isn’t meant to be taken too seriously. And well, it’s true when they say that if you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do (almost) anything.

And, on that note, once you gain my trust, I will want to do just about anything and everything for you. I will love you for who you are, I will appreciate you for what you do and I will always respect you. And I won’t be afraid to show you and remind you of this often. My actions will speak louder than my words. In a world that’s becoming more controlling, insecure, bitter and conditional, I will want to stand beside you and be proud to call you my man. The truth is that I will want to love you unconditionally. I will always want to give 60% and ask for 40%. Yet, I need to say that, in return, I would ask for you to do the same. That way, we will balance each other out perfectly. We will break the norm of the conventional 50-50. Selflessly, I will want to give you more and ask for less.

As much as I might want to skip this part, I need to be honest and add it in - I do desperately long for a sense of security. I would want nothing more than for you to be my pillar of great strength, a good shoulder to lean on. Please, don't ever pretend to care or be too lazy to care. A touch of sensitivity will also add enough emotional security - enough to make me hunger for you when you will not be near me. So if I stubbornly dismiss your, "Is everything OK?," know that there will be great rewards in store for putting in some effort and digging a bit deeper. Our emotional bond will make me want to have eyes (and a mouth, and lips and fingers...) only for you. For all your thoughtfulness, affection, kindness and patience, I will never cease to make you feel amazingly good and wanted; I will be your drug and keep you on a constant high.

There is probably more I'd want to say, but I think I will do us both a favor and just stop here. Although I'm aware that a perfect union doesn't exist, I want to be confident that we will both possess the right blend of qualities that will lead to mutual understanding, respect, love and overall ridiculous excitement and happiness.


Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Letter to Someone Who Recently Hurt Me

(Note: Though this is a letter, it will not carry the usual salutation of, "Dear..." or "Hello..." In fact, it will not even be addressed directly.)

It's almost past midnight, but I can hear your screams of frustration and restless sighs of disbelief from up here. You're mad and you're not afraid to show it. I can't help but shudder, although all I really want to do is just roll my eyes in annoyance. Your favorite game is on and you are having a one-on-one screaming match with the TV.

I guess I should be grateful that it's only the TV you are fighting with tonight--don't worry, you will win. It's a lifeless object that simply flashes images in from of your eyes. You can yell and scream at it all you wish, but in the end, it will not talk back to you. In the end, you will dominate it. By man-handling its lifeless extension called the remote control and by pushing the POWER/OFF button.

This is exactly how everyone in this house would like to treat you sometimes. Like a lifeless TV set.

I have always been a firm believer in the fact that, one can indeed be a "good" person deep down inside. And that deep down inside, everyone really is a "good" person. Yet just how "deep" is deep down inside? How far must one travel into the inner-workings of your mind and soul to justify that statement for you? While I have no problem taking a deeper look, over the years, as I've become quite tired of constantly taking the time to look so hard and so far and so DEEPLY inside, I've come up with the following notion: while one might be an overall good person, it is his or her everyday actions that make him or her WHO HE or SHE REALLY is.

So needless to say, these actions are what constitute your goodness in my eyes. And branching off this notion, more often than not, one might consider you a not-so-good person after all.

There are virtually too many things and instances I can come up with to use as examples as to why you are a good person, deep down inside. There are virtually too many things and instances I can come up with to use as examples as to why you hurt me. You might not know this, but you hurt me (and others around you) every day.

You hurt me when I say hello to you and you don't answer. You hurt me when you say hello to me first and wonder why I don't say hello to you. You hurt me when you criticize my mother's cooking and you hurt me when you refuse to eat dinner on the rare occasion when we do get together. You hurt me when you are too proud to ask for help and you hurt me when you don't appreciate the help I give anyway. You hurt me when you are so impatient that your blood boils in your veins. You hurt me when you make me feel guilty. You hurt me when you yell at my mother. You hurt me when you spew such painful words to my 87-year old grandmother. You hurt me with your anger. You hurt me with your frustration. You hurt me with your negativity. You hurt me with you uncertainty. You hurt me with your fears. You hurt me with your pessimism.

You hurt me, but I love you. And I forgive you. It is all that I can do.