Thursday, August 18, 2011

The Mind of a (Sick and Desperate) Married Man

I've done a beautiful job at neglecting my blog. I could sit here and try to justify it – “I've been so busy with work,” or “I’ve been taking summer classes,” or “I've been volunteering all my free hours at the homeless shelter,” or at least, “I've been too busy screwing my boyfriend’s brains out,” etc.

The truth is that I’ve been doing NONE of the above. Work is meh, no classes of any kind (yet), I’ve been totally inactive in my community (although I signed up to volunteer as a “court appointed special advocate” for abused and neglected kids – sounds so fancy, but I’m probably going to hell for not taking up a case yet), and I most certainly have NOT been busy screwing anyone’s brains out. (not TOO busy, that is, but ahem—whatever, whatever.)

Perhaps the lack of the latter action has made me slightly bitchier this past month than my normal bitchy self. Perhaps not. One definite reason in particular has been dealing with RIDICULOUS individuals via text messaging.

No, I’m not talking about anyone I “met” online. (Yes, I’m done with online dating.)

No, I’m not talking about Mr. Texas. (The sick thing is a teeny, tiny part of me almost wishes I were…*vomit*)

This is a story about a man. (Surprise, surprise.)

A *gasp* MARRIED man. I will call him “Desperate Married Man.” (DMM)

DMM and I met in college. He was funny and goofy. Short, with glasses, he was nothing to write home about. Not my type at all—you get the gist. He’d be hardly a C-/D+ in my book. “Funny” and “goofy” are really the ONLY two BEST, most accurate adjectives I can use to describe him. There was never any sort of chemistry between us (on my part) and when I’d see him in school (thumbs down for going to a commuter college) I’d give him a high five and a “what up!” That was preeeeetty much the extent of the friendship (on my part), and at times, we’d just talk and bullshit about nothingness in between classes, with people we both knew, etc.

Oddly enough, his funniness and goofiness and all the high fives and the “what up’s” made me take a trip one weekend ‘round DMM’s neck of the woods. No big deal—we were just gonna hang out and go to the movies. We did just that, but somehow, someway, we swapped some spit. (OK, so I wasn’t totally into him, but I was a bit of a kissing whore, shut up.) No big deal—nothing else happened. I went home and about my (cool, important, fabulous) business.

This was circa 2006-2007. (But I’m pretty sure it was 2006ish.)

So yes, we now fast-forward 5-6 years. YEARS.

I have had the same phone number since my very first cell phone, so I’ve managed to keep in contact with quite a few people. DMM and I never really exchanged many text messages before. Facebook also wasn’t grounds for a lot of contacting. So once graduated, naturally, we lost contact.

He messaged me a few times, just making small talk, asking how I was doing and where was I working and such. No big deal.

In the meantime, (name) became a MM (married man). Very nice, thanks Facebook, for letting me know.

Recently, he got into contact yet again. NO BIG DEAL.

I’m not entirely sure at which point MM (Married Man) became DMM (Desperate Married Man).

But he just did. Also creepy and annoying as shit.

OH, like at this point:

It’s been YEARS. Like, seriously? I cannot even believe this type of shit. AND he’s LYING about it. I want to laugh, but I seriously just want to punch him in the face.

So at this point, I’m trying hard to put an end to this back-and-forth texting nonsense, but it just continues:

I clearly just don’t find this shit appealing in the slightest. Fuck off.

(Side note: As I progress with the post and with the fabulous posting of my beloved iPhone text messages, I need to really stress the fact that this has just been a really annoying experience, overall. There is no secret ego-boost behind this or any sort of “subconscious”-I-hate-to-admit-that-I-really-do-sort-of-like-you, sexual tension, chemistry attraction of ANY KIND, whatsoever. None. This is your typical Bitch-on-Wheels rant to the universe and its unfair ways about how you’re always going to be chased by the one who you DO NOT WANT. *flips off Universe*)

The creepiness continues.

He said some dumb shit after, but I just ignored him.

I’m failing to mention the fact that he also loves BJs and his sweet, little wife just sucks at, well… sucking, apparently, and that he’s been trying to “teach” her how to not use her teeth for quite some time now. WOW. Just wow.

This is where I decided he needs to be completely ignored/have his number blocked.

(I have cut the message and snapped the pic of it quite appropriately, providing just enough information for you to understand where he was coming from with it…)

(I must have hit “Copy” by mistake as I was taking the pic; I think it was the universe’s way of telling me to never respond to a single text from this guy again.)

I have no words to describe what I was thinking. I just felt overall disrespected, disgusted, freaked out, insulted, and annoyed. His reaction?

DMM: “Why? Lol I think it should be a compliment.”

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? Who talks like that?! I mean, if you have leverage and have been building some sort of rapport with, let’s say, a FwB or something, SURE – fire away.

But a MARRIED man, a sexually-frustrated, pathetic, desperate married man, who, 1) tells me he thinks of cheating all the time; 2) asks me to hang out; 3) asks me for dirty pictures; 4) reminisces of NON-existent, more-than-kissing, OVER-6-YEARS-AGO-ONE-TIME-DEAL sexual encounters with me; and finally, 5) wonders/asks how my vagina looks like.

I say FUCK YOU, get a life! Go get your dick sucked properly, go get laid already and stop being a fucking creep, blowing up my beautiful white iPhone4! It bleeds creepy, pervy DMM text messages!

VOOOOMIIIIIT.

D E S P A R A T E

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

Still. . . Fucking D E S P E R A T E!

Again—Universe, I just don’t like you very much right now.

The End.

7 comments:

  1. Wow. Just wow. How have people like this not been ironically hit by lightening?

    ReplyDelete
  2. wow.

    That guy is..desperate. Very.

    At first he sounded like a more desperate charming version of me, but then he becomes a TOTAL creep.

    You need to keep looking, honey.

    ReplyDelete
  3. That guy is a dork. Bye, bye loser, see ya! Good you aren't replying.

    ReplyDelete
  4. EWE. Seriously?! Men...

    Funniest text of all: "How about a nice cup of 'I don't think so.'...it's delicious." LOL

    So happy to read your words again, love :).

    ReplyDelete
  5. Since he likes making up sexual encounters, you should meet him for coffee, snap a picture of the two of you together, leave alone, go at yourself angrily with a vibrator, then call the police saying he raped you. Let me see how he likes it when people make up shit about him.

    ReplyDelete
  6. It's married men like him who give married men like me a bad name! ;-)

    ReplyDelete