Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Too Little, Too Late

There’s a certain allure that I’ve always found in truly being indifferent. Even in the way it sounds: indifference. It’s harsh, hard and cold. And it’s real.

For most of us, the indifference stance is fervently adopted as a stoic response to negative experiences. We get shot down, so we don’t care anymore. We’re heartbroken, so fuck that noise. Kick rocks, bitch. We become emotionless, unaffected. Robots. Indifference just becomes a sad cover-up. And it usually is followed by the undeniable regret.

True indifference, however, stems from a quiet place. It’s not meant to act as a defense mechanism of any kind. On the contrary - it brings about closure and peace.

When I was younger, my mom once told me how being indifferent is the wisest way to deal with certain aspects of life. Indifference is worse than feeling “hate.” Gosh – hate. Really, mom? Hate carries as much heavy emotional artillery as its complete opposite. LOVE. And the two often are coupled together in our hearts and minds. We love to hate. We hate to love. Double whammy. But indifference will just stare you in the face. Indifference will not smile or wink at you. It will not scream at you or curse you out. It will just stare you blankly and calmly in the face. And there ain’t a damn thing you can do about it.

Once all my emotions have been exhausted, I become indifferent. I’m stripped of all emotions. I no longer love, hate, care, fear, long, desire, want, lust, hunger, doubt, wonder, question, admire, assume, demand, or crave. I’m no longer happy, tender, excited, scared, sad or angry. I no longer experience: pride, pity, misery, regret, sorry, shock, horror, guilt, embarrassment, euphoria, despair, hope, envy, disappointment, contempt, or anxiety. YUP, even apathy.

I’m just fucking INDIFFERENT.


  1. I used to be the queen of indifference, you could pretty much hit me in the face with a blow up hammer and meh? Nothing

    Now I don't have the stability for it but I still not a lot bothers me however I always have a bunch of emotions

  2. Yeah, I meant all that I wrote here. But I'm fucking HUMAN (surprisingly) and well, when it came to the guy from the previous post (please, read it when you get the chance) NOW I totally feel just FUCKING indifferent. I said my last piece and I stood my ground and now it feels fucking great.

    And you're right - there needs to be some sort of stability in being indifferent; still, I think it has more to do with putting your mind to something and sticking to it, in this case - not giving a fuck anymore.

  3. I'm with you on this, indifference is the one and only emotion left after we exhaust all the others. I have reached my highest point of indifference in the past few days, there's no feeling or emotion. Just a confused cloud over my hair. I never thought it could be possible to feel numb, I feel but it's not enough. When I am happy, I am not happy enough, or sad enough. It's just weird, so weird that I am seriously considering skydiving, maybe that will scare me enough to bring some sort of emotion.

  4. Ah I WISH I could be more indifferent in certain situations. Would save me a lot of time and stress :P

  5. I totally agree with your post and what with Ana says.. there's a point at times where the numbness just overpowers everything around you and it sort of creates a bubble around you to get through your day. Sometimes it could be bothersome, sometimes it's a defense mechanism, other times is a way to get rid of that dried emotional skin and come out completely different and more confident, in my opinion.

  6. Is indifference an emotion? I would say it is the absence of emotion.

    Good post! Followed!

  7. I always tried to be indifferent but I could never manage it. :/ Perhaps this is also because I'm a pacifist and I'm always the first person running to say "omg, I'm sorry and I love you!" to parents, friends, and whatever.

    Very good post, btw. (:

  8. The worst feeling in the world is when you still love someone and they are indifferent to you. I'd rather be hated.

  9. @Ana*: In my opinion, skydiving would just give you a ridiculous rush of adrenaline, which would be very fucking awesome. We all want to just be high on life, and that's one hell of an emotion. I'm referring to emotions towards certain individuals - which, come to think of it, can weirdly and sure enough portray the way we feel about life in general - like you said, when you're happy, you're not happy enough, etc. Putting shit in real perspective is what I'm doing next. Maybe it's just a funk we'll hopefully get out of soon.

    @Elle: Thanks, girl.

    @s.212: It will come naturally, eventually, once you've been through enough shit. You can't really just wake up one morning and say, "Well, today I'll be really indifferent." True indifference just comes from a new-found resilience we all have inside.

    @PorkStar: You couldn't have said it better. Indifference can make you more confident and just stronger, maybe sadder too, but wiser. I'd rather be a bit sadder, but in control. "Dried emotional skin" - what an interesting point, I can dig it!

    @Arlequin: Totally agree with you, indifference is exactly that - the absence of all emotions. Thanks for following!

    @Lemons: Yeah, I used to be a lot like you, you can be a pacifist at heart, but true indifference will eventually get you, as I said, once you go through enough shit. I pick and choose VERY wisely now who I "run to and say 'I love you' and 'I'm sorry'" to. Some people just don't deserve the kindness.

    @Elliot: I'd rather just wish them to go swallow a knife. And yes, you'd rather be hated because then they'd still have some type of emotion towards you. Still, I'd rather die than admit to still loving an indifferent person. I'm just too fucking proud.